I’ve slammed Dirk Nowitzki ever since he lost the 2005 NBA Finals to the Miami Heat. He’s not a leader, which is why Mark Cuban essentially gave up the farm to fly in Jason Kidd to run the point and balance the locker room. But do I doubt Nowitzki’s ability? Hell no. The guy averaged 25.9 points and 8.4 rebounds per game. No seven-footer has had the shooting range Dirk possesses. Yet, Nowitzki is 31-years old, with zero championship and not even a mention in the MVP category. Dallas added Shawn Marion, refusing to get younger, and so the clock is ticking on the German Uberstar.

That being said, I’ve given this guy too much crap over the past few years to not at least hand out an olive branch of sorts and give the guy a helping hand. So here are five tips for the 11-year veteran!

1. Lose The Shag
You look way cooler with a buzz cut, and I can’t say that about many people. In fact, I don’t really comment on men’s hair all that much, but when you rock a buzz cut you’re probably the kind of guy that Hitler imagined when he murdered millions of people unceremoniously. People keep doubting your cut throat ability, so take a step in the right direction and lose the Goldilocks. Looking scary is half the battle to actually being scary.

2. Use E-Harmony, Your Instincts For Love Suck
You’re kind of lucky that the media didn’t have a frenzy with this whole Crista Taylor fiasco, Dirk. Maybe they felt sorry for you. Maybe they just thought the whole thing was tragically hilarious, while most of us (like me) thought it was just flat-out hilarious. Whatever the case may be, you escaped this bullet by the skin of your tombstone teeth.

First, she lied to you about who she actually was. Then she somehow swooned you in to an engagement before being thrown in to prison for 5-years for violating probation. And then she told the entire world that she was broke and carrying your child. And somehow you believed her??? I mean, you’re not the first guy to get duped by a p-bomb, but c’mon dude. You’re better than this.

First off, you’re seven feet tall, and I’m sure that comes with certain…um…endowments. Secondly, you’re an insanely famous athlete that makes $18 million a year! Surely you can better? Hell, Crista wasn’t even that good looking. Frankly, she looked like you would if you were a hideous woman. Aim higher, buddy. E-Harmony is offering a free trial sometime soon. I suggest you sign-up. Just don’t check off the box that says, “I’m stupidly gullible and have no real way of measuring good looks on a female”.

3. Stop Killing Your Teammates
You know that Erick Dampier’s entire career is your fault right? That guy’s career has been in free-fall ever since you bitched him out on national television during the NBA Finals. Don’t do the same to Josh Howard. Please don’t. The last thing you want to be known as is the guy who was so overbearing that he destroyed the minds of young NBA hopefuls. Elton Brand doesn’t need any company in that category. Seriously. He doesn’t.

4. Take A Seat
Do you realize that KG and Tim Duncan are the only guys your size that have played at the same level as you for the same time? The magic mileage mark for those guys is 33,000 minutes, which you’re about 36 games away from hitting. Isn’t it about time that you told Dallas to find your replacement? I know you’ve never had serious knee injuries in your entire career, but even Jenna Jameson had to hang up the boots at one point. You can’t keep this up for long, and your legacy in Dallas lacks an heir apparent. Now you’re getting backed up by Drew Gooden and Tim Thomas. Jeepers.

5. Be Honest With Your Betting Investors
You guys are +3000 longshots to win the title next year. You should be +8000 and you know it. The only reason you got past the first round last year is because you played an injured Spurs team. To make things worse, your Mavs were 40-42 ATS despite going 50-32 SU in the regular season. Isn’t it time you got on the mike and told everyone not to bet on you guys because you can’t play defense and lost the ability to run the scoreboard up like you used to?
It’s all about honesty, Dirk. At the end of the day, unless a basketball is in your hands, you make terrible decisions. You’ve thrown Mark Cuban under the media bus. You asked an ex-con to marry you. You’ve killed any teammates’ chances of ever becoming a superstar. Would it have killed you to tell Dallas to give Steve Nash more money (or any money)? It’s time to make better decisions in your life. If you’re a Dallas betting backer, then the only good decision you have to make concerning the Mavs is to stay as far away possible.


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